Some time ago a friend on Facebook asked me how I could post such images like this when I claim to be a victim of sexual assault⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️
Was she questioning the truth about my statement as a rape victim? I asked her what that image had to do with me actually being a victim of sex crime, but I already understood her view even though she never replied. I felt sorry for her, I did! Such images are way out of the comfort zone for a lot of people, not only victims of sexual abuse, although we are too many. I new that! It was uncomfortable to me too, but it had what I believe is quite a good point. Facebook memes, or anything on Facebook and all social media is in fact social pornography. People are craving for shit like this like it’s an existencial necessity, but just like pornography isn’t anything nearby sex in real life, most so called encouraging memes are nonsense! They’re not deep, nor true! They’re annoying, but what’s even more irritating are those people quoting them like it’s valuable ancient philosophy, which most of them aren’t. Some of them are, I can admit to that, but the great extent of inspirational quotes aren’t anything but stupid, or at least that’s what I feel about them. They’re just as awkward as teachers preaching pseudoscience.
The truth is I posted that image, like a considerable lot of the squat I post, (you should see the crap I don’t post), not only as a comment on what I feel about inspirational quotes in memes, but also to stretch the limits of my own safe haven, and I do so exceedingly well, if I must say so myself. I’ve done it since I first entered Facebook with my own profile. I’ve done it my entire life, or at least as far back as I can remember. You have no idea the anxiety I felt for weeks when I posted my dickpic project for the first time. Or how I still feel now and then about posting my experience of being raped, how it affected me, my life and my mental health which was already pretty fragile before this tragic event.
When I started to post images and art of the erotic kind, I’m sure I bent not only the boundaries of my happy place, but also the borderline of what my poor, mistreated heart could bear. Because complex post traumatic stress disorder isn’t just a mental issue. It’s a physical condition which causes my body functions to be aware of life threatening danger when triggered even though I´m not at any risk. The thought “Now I’m really asking for it!”, rang like a church bell in my head over and over and over again, but it’s not only my thoughts that torments my mind in non stopping loops of utterly negativity when symptoms of cptsd are activated. I can feel the anxiety rage through my entire system. My breath, my heartbeat, my muscles, my skin. And to challenge the peripheries of my solace this way, in any way, is to provoke these horrible demons which were literally torturing me for a decade. Demons which I need to confront if I shall conquer them once and for all, and I intend to do so.
These hellhounds are not causing me as much agony as they used to anymore. Now they’re just a bit more bothersome than those meaningless memes and people quoting them, and I do whatever it takes to get rid of them. For ever! Not the memes. People love them, and will always do! I don’t think it’s possible to get away from them if I want to be a part of the cyber society, no more than it’s possible to keep irksome people completely out of my life if I don’t want to become an hermit, which I don’t. But those fiends will be defeated! I’m in no doubt of that. So I keep on expanding the frontiers of whatever makes me feel secure in the moment, but too much of an eggshell according to what I want to accomplish as an artist and a writer. I don’t want to be a brittle, little bitch, and I don’t want traumas from my past to restrict my exploration of life and the world; cyber space, the material world and the spiritual experience of them both.
By the way… Have you tried to Google tentacle rape? There you’ll find some funky bunk, and perhaps you too need to increase the size of your controllable horizon of with what you can and can not feel comfortable.