So has the day come for sorrow, hatred, anger and issues beyond repair; Christmas eve. I woke up crying with my tormented mind filled with images of extreme violence. The comming nights are so perfect for accidents pretty common for this holiday, like arson, or misplaced fireworks cutting off fingers and blowing up eyes, but I let my fantasies involving hammer and axe rest whilst I decorate my home with nisser and glitter and pretty lights and red and gold and silver coloured, useless devices. Same procedure as last year, miss Sophie! I watch the same holiday movies, eat the same candy and have the same nightmares. Same procedure as every year!
I don’t want to see people this day, but I need milk and fresh fruit and powdered sugar for my home made marzipan bonbons, it’s christmas after all. I have to go to the grossery store and meet friends and acquaintances and look them in the eyes and see their insecurity and bad conscience because they know how I feel, but don’t know what to do when they ask me how I am, and I would like to say “I’m fine! Don’t worry! I’ll get by! I’ll survive!”, but I don’t because I try so hard not to cry. So I smile and wave “Merry Christmas! Happy holiday!”, while I think to myself “Fuck you! Fuck that! Fuck it! Fuck off!”, and shop enough food to feed an average, african village until my wallet is as empty as my heart feels, and I have no idea how I’ll get by til next paycheck in this fabulous land of happyness and cross country skiing, but I manage to hang on to my smiling clown mask until I’m home, and I burst into tears before I open a beer and fall into sedated apathy infront of my tv.
I used to long for my new Jerusalem, where every tear would be wiped away from my eyes, and evil should be no more, nor sorrow or pain or piercing cries. Where all that were before are gone. Like I could find some kind of button inside my head, push it, and everything would be fine, but that’s not life. Life doesn’t work that way. Life isn’t fair! Life just is! An ocean of contrasts where nothing can exist without it’s opposit. There’s no happiness without pain! There are no smiles without tears! There’s no laughter without despair! Live and let live! Eat and be eaten!
So I stopped longing for something that can never be. I stopped searching for that button in my head. I stopped seeking that utopian place. I accepted life as it is, and myself as the human being I am. All with this deadbeat sadness, this frightening rage, this drop dead gorgeous laughter, and this divine force of creativity and mindblowing positivity. And when this deep melancholy strikes me once a year, I’ll just lock me up in my private little box, curl up in the sofa in my thick, soft jumpsuit, pet my cat and cry. It’s a day for joy and merriness to some, and a day for misery and depression to others. What it’s not is insignificant to anyone. It’s a day for powerfull emotions and contemplation. It’s a day for the human experience, of life within oneself. Soul crushing, heartbreaking, but real. So I hang in there and let it happen, and when I wake up the next morning it’s over. For now. The flood of tears has stopped, I’m reborn, and my life can begin. Again! Happy holiday!
Rest in peace, Ari ❤